Confession

My faith is founded more on ideas than moments. I rest in the profoundly Christian ideas that evil will be transformed to good, that the highest calling is to die for another, and that man can only be fulfilled through emptying himself and being filled by God.

Unfortunately, as profound as these ideas are, I don't have the experiences to match. When I hear people talk about being a Christian, I usually hear about FEELINGS--especially feeling the presence of God. The number of times that ideas, thoughts about Christianity have really clicked and been meaningful are too many for me to count. But the FEELING of Christianity---the true sensation of the power of God, well, I only dream about it

The Lead up to the Moment

However, there is one moment that I cling to, that drives me in my aspiration to experience oneness with Christ. It was the spring break of 2008, on a mission trip to a long-term drug and alcohol rehab center. The differences between the group of college students who had been living the Baylor bubble, and a group addicts who had being living the streets appeared monumental. When people from such different come together, an inherent seperation exists, making impact difficult.

In light of this, in the weeks leading up to the departure, the leaders of the group challenged us to look within ourselves for our own addictions. They gave us a book that challenged us to believe that addicctions were not merely chemical, but rather attachments and habits, habits of living that impeded our walk with Christ. As we prepared to go, we met together, and prayed to discover what addictions we had that took away from Christ living in us.

I was convicted by the role laziness/sloth/apathy played in my life. Throughout my life, I had always sought ease and relaxation, be it TV, video games, magazines, or internet. I preferred it to work, and aggressively sought relaxation, much to the retardation of the growth of myself and my relationships. I began to make a concerted effort to leave sloth. The combination of a busy school schedule, confession of my sin to the group, and a lot of prayer-journaling allowed me to be "sloth free" for sixteen days leading up to our trip.

We spent the first days working on various projects around the center (building a wall, painting, putting up curtains). I was struck by the intense humility of all the men in the community. They had reached the lowest of lows, and there was no hiding who they were. They were drug addicts, incapable of solving their addiction on their own. They had given up on themselves and become BROKEN. Through this emptiness, they became full of God.

The Moment

The next day in chapel we had a chance to share who we were. I confessed my sin to them. Their addictions had been more publicly visable and chastised, but we all had profound imediments that prevented us from living like Christ. For the first time in my life, I was living in the light.

Everyone was living in the light, and loving each other. We didn't do anything extraordinary that week, but everything felt extraordinary. We were experiencing the power of God. After one chapel, I was so overcome with indescribable emotion that I just had to get away, and sit alone for a while. I had never experienced a soul-moving a experience before.

The last night we were there, the guys shared how much it meant to them that we had come there. One talked about the fact that it "brought tears to his eyes" that we paid money to go and visit them for our spring break. Others talked about how they had been a bit reluctant to see us come, but that after spending time with us, they were so greatful at having experienced our love, and that we had changed their lives. Another, who had been unable to interact with us said that just through watching us, "You taught me how to love." More than anything, they shared that they had seen the love of Jesus THROUGH us. To hear them say that, and to do that, was such a humbling experience. I had to kind of bask in thankfulness and brokenness before God, that he had allowed us to be a vessel of his love.

The End

That was it. I lived off the high of the experience for a week. I had been, "sloth free," for sixteen days before my arrival at the rehab center. I lasted only a few more weeks before I was back on the internet, filling myself with USELESS information. It seems almost every day I swear I will not waste hours doing worthless thingss, and every day, I fail again.

I'm left searching, hoping, praying to find or create a community of humility, openness and brokenness that I had in New York for those few days. I really don't know where to start. I know it involves brokenness before God, confession before man, and accountability and love from a community of fellow broken people.

It also goes full circle back to the habits of life. I am not comfortable confessing.

So I find refuge the pen. Maybe this is the beginning. I want to feel God again.