Confession

My faith is founded more on ideas than moments. I rest in the profoundly Christian ideas that evil will be transformed to good, that the highest calling is to die for another, and that man can only be fulfilled through emptying himself and being filled by God.

Unfortunately, as profound as these ideas are, I don't have the experiences to match. When I hear people talk about being a Christian, I usually hear about FEELINGS--especially feeling the presence of God. The number of times that ideas, thoughts about Christianity have really clicked and been meaningful are too many for me to count. But the FEELING of Christianity---the true sensation of the power of God, well, I only dream about it

The Lead up to the Moment

However, there is one moment that I cling to, that drives me in my aspiration to experience oneness with Christ. It was the spring break of 2008, on a mission trip to a long-term drug and alcohol rehab center. The differences between the group of college students who had been living the Baylor bubble, and a group addicts who had being living the streets appeared monumental. When people from such different come together, an inherent seperation exists, making impact difficult.

In light of this, in the weeks leading up to the departure, the leaders of the group challenged us to look within ourselves for our own addictions. They gave us a book that challenged us to believe that addicctions were not merely chemical, but rather attachments and habits, habits of living that impeded our walk with Christ. As we prepared to go, we met together, and prayed to discover what addictions we had that took away from Christ living in us.

I was convicted by the role laziness/sloth/apathy played in my life. Throughout my life, I had always sought ease and relaxation, be it TV, video games, magazines, or internet. I preferred it to work, and aggressively sought relaxation, much to the retardation of the growth of myself and my relationships. I began to make a concerted effort to leave sloth. The combination of a busy school schedule, confession of my sin to the group, and a lot of prayer-journaling allowed me to be "sloth free" for sixteen days leading up to our trip.

We spent the first days working on various projects around the center (building a wall, painting, putting up curtains). I was struck by the intense humility of all the men in the community. They had reached the lowest of lows, and there was no hiding who they were. They were drug addicts, incapable of solving their addiction on their own. They had given up on themselves and become BROKEN. Through this emptiness, they became full of God.

The Moment

The next day in chapel we had a chance to share who we were. I confessed my sin to them. Their addictions had been more publicly visable and chastised, but we all had profound imediments that prevented us from living like Christ. For the first time in my life, I was living in the light.

Everyone was living in the light, and loving each other. We didn't do anything extraordinary that week, but everything felt extraordinary. We were experiencing the power of God. After one chapel, I was so overcome with indescribable emotion that I just had to get away, and sit alone for a while. I had never experienced a soul-moving a experience before.

The last night we were there, the guys shared how much it meant to them that we had come there. One talked about the fact that it "brought tears to his eyes" that we paid money to go and visit them for our spring break. Others talked about how they had been a bit reluctant to see us come, but that after spending time with us, they were so greatful at having experienced our love, and that we had changed their lives. Another, who had been unable to interact with us said that just through watching us, "You taught me how to love." More than anything, they shared that they had seen the love of Jesus THROUGH us. To hear them say that, and to do that, was such a humbling experience. I had to kind of bask in thankfulness and brokenness before God, that he had allowed us to be a vessel of his love.

The End

That was it. I lived off the high of the experience for a week. I had been, "sloth free," for sixteen days before my arrival at the rehab center. I lasted only a few more weeks before I was back on the internet, filling myself with USELESS information. It seems almost every day I swear I will not waste hours doing worthless thingss, and every day, I fail again.

I'm left searching, hoping, praying to find or create a community of humility, openness and brokenness that I had in New York for those few days. I really don't know where to start. I know it involves brokenness before God, confession before man, and accountability and love from a community of fellow broken people.

It also goes full circle back to the habits of life. I am not comfortable confessing.

So I find refuge the pen. Maybe this is the beginning. I want to feel God again.

A pretty good day in the life of Chris the teacher

So today I decided to keep a sort of "running diary," of one day of school. It was a Monday, which meant it was a pretty easy day (No scheduled classes to start the day, only four classes all day).

At least, I thought I had four classes. A teacher who had been on vacation for a week called in "sick," so i taught sixth grade with the normal sixth grade teacher. (They like to have two teachers for every 40 students. This was the oldest group I had taught. (I teacher 2nd grade, 4th grade, and Kindergarten), but in contrast to the younger kids, they were gigglier than all get out. It was definitely still fun teaching them. They can understand much more of what I am saying, so it lets you connect on a higher level with them....interestingly, they also seemed a bit more eager for fun than the fourth graders---who are beginning to become sceptical about adults, but have not yet hit the age where a novel male triggers attention.

Other notes from the day, from my second grade classes:

A couple of weeks ago, I got a significant haircut--A friend of mine cut my hair with a razor, on "4." It got a bit shaggy (sticking up in the back, coming forward in the front), so after procrastinating, I went to a real barber, and figured I'd get it a little shorter. It turns out 3 at a barber shop is MUCH shorter than 4 from a friend. I definitely have a sort of "shaved" look going.

Anyways, when I walked into all my classes this morning, my hair set off laughter. The rest of this week, the girls have been coming up to me, putting their knuckles on their hair, and saying, "Bzzzzzzzzz." One of the better English speaking ones asked, "WHHYY you cut your HAIR?" I responded, "What you don't like it." --to which she said, "NOOO!!!!"

I introduced a new game, where students listened to me, as to whether to stand up or sit down. The trick was using hand motions to confuse them. The loved the game.

In my last class, when one student was doing something I DEFINITELY did not want them doing (I don't remember what it was), I said No, no, MAI CHAI (No, in Thai). As soon as I said "Mai Chai," the whole class gave me a standing ovation. (They also gave me another one later, when I said something in an "operatic" voice.)

I finished off the school day teaching conversation club to 4th graders. I gave them all a place and they had to act it out. They realllly enjoy performing---the classroom got pretty loud as they prepared their skits.

I finished off the day going to the gym, eating cashew chicken on rice, and spending too much time on the internet.

I Might post pictures later of my hair over the past 4 years.

Video of one of my 2nd graders

Here's a video of one of my 2nd graderswith her 3 year old sister. Whe was handing out these pieces of paper to everyone yesterday, so we could see her youtube clip. She's one of the smartest girls i have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBxr2ZBJDNE

Sum up

So I've been really delinquent, as usual, in my blog posting--I should be doing more than once a month. Here's a summary of what I've been up to in the past two months.

I was able to start doing some volunteer work in July. I went with In Search of Sanuk (www.insearchofsanuk.com). The orphanage was beautiful. They have a ton of land--just not the resources to come even close to fully optimizing it capacity. We were able to stay in comfy beds (better than the concrete slab in my apartment), and it had AC (you learn to REALLY appreciate this in Bangkok).

Working with the kids was different than usual. Keep in mind, I have a lot of experience hanging out with kids--working at Adaptive Recreation Camp (Camp for disabled kids), volunteering for three years at Waco Center for Youth (Home for emotionally disturbed teens), and volunteering in Haiti (Yeah, technically I was building a school and working on at health clinic--but the majority of the time I was just playing with kids). And shoot, I spend almost 50 hours a week working with kids.

These kids were different than any kids I had seen before. They had a weird combination of inhibition and non chalance that I had never seen large scale, with kids before. When they saw us, they didn't seek interaction. Throughout the day, they were content to play among themselves, and go about their normal actions.

Don't get me wrong--we played with the kides on Saturday---they adored the arts and crafts Girl Chris brought, and they played a hybrid rugby-monkey in the middle-catch-wrestling game. (Bringing the football was definitely a great idea).

But you could tell something was missing, and Sunday morning really highlighted the difference. Some of the kids who go to church on the grounds of the orphanage hung out with us afterwards. Once they saw we we're down for "sanuk" with them, they immediately ENGAGED, asking for songs, enthusiastically playing games with us. I asked Dwight (who lead the trip) if they were orphans--and he said no---their parents had brought them to church.

So obviously, parents make a difference. Kids need love.

On the bright side--Sunday afternoon, we were able to take them to the beach at Pattaya. One at a time, I took some of the younger boys hostage, carried them out into the ocean on my back, and threw them around in the waves. Their squeals of joy were the highlight of the trip. I wasn't difference-making, but sometimes you have to be content with giving the temporary gift of happiness.

More pics from Cambodia

Cambodia

The swine flue is out in full force in BKK, and the height of the scare happened in Late June and early July. My school was cancelled for a week, and that dovetailed into the Buddhist holiday from July 6-8, so I had REALLY long break from class. A big group from Baylor decided to go to Cambodia to see Angkor Wat, considered THE wonder of Southeast Asia.

Getting there was an adventure. Instead of taking the quicker, air conditioned bus, we elected to take the slower and cheaper open-air train. We arrived at the train station at 4:30 in the morning to ensure that we got tickets. I had stayed up packing until 12 the night before, so was fantastically tired, and questioning whether we really needed to get to the train station an hour before leaving. It was definitely worth it. I was blessed to get an incredibly comfortable seat (-it was as if we were sitting in first class, as opposed to on the wooden benches) Not only that, but the train began to fill to capacity----and a large number of people had to stand in the hot, stuffy train for hours. The train got so packed that you had to part the sea of people to get out of your seat and walk through the car.

Getting to Siam Reap (Where Angkor Wat is located) proved even more adventurous. Cambodia is one of the poorest countries in the world, so when they see white people, they see dollar signs. I could write pages on the people doing anything they could to try to tap into us as a source of income. "Government buses" taking you to Siam Reap for cheap, only to a very specific, isolated hostel. Tuk-Tuks taking you to a "border crossing" out in the middle of no where, where the visa suspiciously costs twice what your guidebook says. People, ranging from amputees, to children, to new mothers, begging you for money anywhere that Westerners congregated.

Through all the wading through the scams, we were able to meet a really cool couple from Switzerland that were backpacking through Southeast Asia. We rented a tuk-tuk with them to tour Angkor Wat, watched the Wimbledon final, and they even came and visited us in Bangkok this Thursday (July 30) for the conclusion of their tourr. Now I REALLY want to visit Switzerland again.

Angkor Wat is like a zoo of temples. They were all very old, but they were also all very unique, some seemed to have become a part of the jungle, with massive trees growing inside of them. Others were many stories high, with steep staircases that made it feel like you were really CLIMBING stairs. Finally, Angkor Wat ITSELF (the big, famous temple) inspired awe through its sheer massiveness combined with impeccable upkeep. We finished off our tour of the temples watching the sunset at a temple on top of the mountains.